After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is “like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair,” has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:
“That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won’t screw you. Don’t do it for them.”
“Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking.”
“The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”
More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern’s philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny’s, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns’ kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.
Photographs from Sh*t My Dad Says
(Click on Thumbnails to Enlarge)
 |
 |
 |
| I have no idea why I’m sopping wet in this photo, but I’m going to guess it’s because I rolled in something filthy or spilled something on myself. Hosing me down was my dad’s favorite method for cleaning me off. | Here I am with my dad in his garden, which he adores and whose upkeep he takes very seriously. “It’s my first love, besides your mother and horse racing. And you and your brothers, too, I suppose,” he’s said. | My dad used to carry me on his shoulders quite a bit when I was a child–until the time I accidentally urinated on him while I was up there. We were at a neighbor’s house and he quickly ran outside, threw me off, ripped off his shirt, then hosed me down like he was from the CDC and I’d come in contact with the Ebola Virus. |
 |
 |
| My dad is an avid reader, and all throughout my childhood he’d come home after working for 12 hours and we’d sit on the couch and read together. | My family’s trip to the Grand Canyon in 1983 was one of only two family vacations we took. It coincided with the time when my dad started to lose his hair, and decided he’d wear hats to mask his increasing baldness. It wasn’t long before he changed his tune, tossed the caps, and decided he didn’t care what anyone else thought. |
A father and son’s love knows no boundaries. Four letter words yes, boundaries no. Reading Justin Halpern’s book brought back memories of my own father’s words of wisdom. Although my father (a southern gentleman by birth) was somewhat more prudent in his use of curse words and references to sex, he never hesitated in telling his children (or anyone else for that matter) exactly what was on his mind. I remember when I introduced him to my first really serious girlfriend, a young woman who was more than a foot shorter than myself. He took me aside and said, “What’s the matter, didn’t they have one in your size?” However, when we later announced our engagement he was the first to congratulate us and brought out the bottle of Cold Duck that he was saving for such an occasion.When the author was 28 years old he was suddenly dumped by his girlfriend and needed a place to live when he made the decision to move back in with his mother and his then retired father. Working from his new “home” as a writer for Maxim Magazine gave him the time (an awful lot of time according to the author) to see his father through new, adult eyes. The terror that he had felt in his youth due to his father’s “bluntness” began to be replaced by admiration for the only person that he had ever known who really spoke his mind without self-censorship. It was only then that he began to see the wisdom in his father’s tersely worded observations and began posting them on his Twitter page with the same title as this book.Because Mr. Halpern Sr. has the gift of being able to “swear with great expertise” I can’t quote many of them on Amazon, but here are a few of my favorite PG rated quips:ON THE DEATH OF OUR FIRST DOGHe was a good dog. Your brother is pretty broken up about it, so go easy on him. He had a nice last moment with Brownie before the vet tossed him in the garbage.ON MY BLOODY NOSEWhat happened? Did somebody punch you in the face?!… The what? The air is dry? Do me a favor and tell people you got punched in the face.ON THE MEDICINAL EFFECT OF BACONYou worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.ON SHOPPING FOR PRESENTS FOR HIS BIRTHDAYIf it’s not bourbon or sweatpants, it’s going in the garbage… No, don’t get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time.ON BEING ONE WITH THE WILDERNESSI’m not sure you can call that roughing it son… Well, for one, there was a (EXPLETIVE) minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.ON SILENCEI just want silence… Jesus, it doesn’t mean I don’t like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.If you grew up with a Ward Cleaver type of father (or wish that you did) you may find Mr. Halpern’s way of expressing himself to be crude, unfeeling, or even uncaring. Far from it. The author augments the pithy quotes (some recent, other’s from his childhood) with brief essays that gives the reader a little more of the back story of this unique father-and-son relationship. Is it ideal? I have learned that, for me at least, the best way to judge someone’s parenting is by the adult it produces. Justin Halpern’s book reads to me as a love letter to a father that always tells it like it is and who made you who you are.My father passed away at age 87 in 2008. At his wake (we are Irish after all so alcohol was involved) his former co-workers, friends and family paid tribute to him by telling our own little stories and quotes from a man who could be described as both taciturn and brutally honest. The recollections from my three brothers, my sons and myself included stories and things that my dad said that to the outside observer might have also seemed acerbic or even caustic, but to us it was the way that he showed us that he caredThis book is not for those addicted to a PC idea of what a father should be or for those who are easily offended by real life conversation. But if you, like me, value frank and seemingly brutal honesty (especially from someone who brought you into this world) this book will delight you as much as it has me. I only wish that I could give this to my dad for Father’s Day. He would have laughed his (BLEEP) off!
Political Correctness Quotient = Zero To echo what others have said this book is hilarious. It’s also sweet and touching. Justin’s dad is a gruff Vietnam vet, retired research doctor who is honest to a fault. He’s someone who knows himself and has the courage and a burning need to speak his mind. He also loves his family to distraction. Justin’s dad is Jewish and his mom a quiet, loving Catholic and though their child rearing approaches seem as different as their religions they make a good parenting team.Here are a few quotes which are NOT the funniest in the book but one’s that are relatively lacking in four letter words:On Getting an Internship at Quentin Tarantino’s Production Company:”That is one ugly son of a `gun’…..Oh, yeah, no congratulations. If you see him, try not to stare at his face if you’ve eaten anything.”After Justin moves out”"You just barge in and take whatever you want, whenever you want it. It’s like you’re the ********* SS I’m living in ******* Nazi Germany….”At the End of the Day, at Least You a Have a Family:”So, there you go. Your mother thinks you’re handsome. This should be an exciting day for you.”On a hypothesized life of crime:”You always got us. We’re family. We ain’t going anywhere. Unless you go on a ******* killing spree or something.”"I would still love you Justy. I would just want to know why you did it,” my mom said earnestly.All these quotes can seem a bit over the top when you read them out of context but they never come across as glib or hate filled…..just honest. Justin was the youngest of three sons and the last chapter of the book is the story of one of Justin’s love affairs gone awry and his dad comforting by telling the story of his first wife’s life and death. The best thing about this book, besides the humor of course, is the emotional honestly.